07 August 2010

In Queso Emergency

A running commentary of G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra.
Spoilers ahead, if you haven't seen this amazing piece of cinema...

Me: I don't know why theaters don't use BluRay players.  I would totally watch more movies at the box office if it was this high quality.

Roommate Ivor: You also like being able to pause and add subtitles.

Me: Hey man, I'm ESL here!

Ivor: I remember those kids in elementary.  They were weird.  Go figure.

Me: I didn't know GI Joe started in 1641 France.

Ivor: This movie is high class, even back in the day.

Me: 'In the not so distant future'?  Does that mean that the world doesn't end in 2012. How do they know...

Ivor: Nanotechnology is SICK. That is awesome!

Me: I hope the Taliban doesn't watch this and get the wrong idea.

Ivor: Oh, why did that cast him?

Me: Marlon Wayans?  I can't see him on screen and not expect him to bust out his white girl drag, à la White Chicks.

Ivor: I'm pretty sure that's Shawn.

Me: Well it's not Keenen Ivory, that's for sure.  Remember In Living Colour?  They had SO MANY Wayans. Wayans cousins I didn't even know about! Daman, Kim...

Ivor: David Alan...

Me: His last name is Grier.

Ivor: Oh.  Just watch the movie!

Me: Always a bad sign when someone says, 'There's nothing on the radar, sir.'

Ivor: AND there go the warheads.

Me: I'm just in this movie for the explosions.

Ivor: Well hello Sienna Miller.

Me: I don't remember The Baroness wearing that outfit.  GI Joe: now with sex appeal.

Ivor: They have to give the nerds something else to focus on besides all this high falutin' CGI graphics.

Me: 'I knew her when she was a blonde.'

Ivor: Do the curtains still match the drapes?

Me: We're taking you to our secret base...The Pyramids at Giza!  Establishment shot.

Ivor: Why can't you just say Egypt?

Me: Hello Ginger!

Ivor: What's with all the ginger jokes these days?

Me: Most gingers are sluts.  How many sexts have you received today?

Ivor: Touché.

Me: Oh look, there's a cameo by Brendan Fraser.  Random.  I bet a bunch of macho actors wanted to be a part of this riveting film.  And, a montage!  Where they learn new moves and weapons, progress farther in their training to be ready for the final battle.

Ivor: It's like HALO.

Me: Scarlett's kinda a slut, huh?  Genius that graduated university at age 12 with no emotions...that screams sexual repression.

Ivor: I'd sexually repress her.

Me: That doesn't even make sense.  I'm ready for the next battle.  The warheads are going to be stolen soon...

Ivor: I'm only in this movie for the tits.  Cat fight!

Me: AND of course the bad guys escape.  Why didn't the GI Joe base come with an early warning detection system?  The enemy just waltz right in their with their drill-rides.

Ivor: Ah shiz, there's the kid from 'Third Rock from the Sun.'

Me: And he's the brother, the only family she has!  He dies, somewhere in the movie.

Ivor: How do you know?

Me: It's the premise of her turning evil.  If he's the only family left....it spells death or a move to the dark side.

Ivor: How do you know all this?

Me: I pay attention.  I also know that all these random cuts with Snake Eyes means he's brothers with Storm Shadow and will end up killing him in the end.

Ivor: STOP IT!  Son of a biscuit you and your ESL ESPN.

Me: It's ESP...

Ivor: Shh.

Me: Oh look, East Africa FOUR YEARS AGO.  Duke and Rex, together for the last time.  Duke ordered an airstrike.  It's going to be early.

Ivor: What...how do you...oh THERE GOES BOOM THE HOUSE!

Me: Hey, the President is Jonathan Pryce!  Let's see how many random cameos this movie can have.

Ivor: Jonathan...?

Me: Gov'ner Weatherby Swann, Pirates of the Caribbean film franchise?  Played Keira Knightley's dad?

Ivor: Your knowledge of actors is pretty scary.  Who all is in this?

Me: I remember faces.  Christopher Eccleston, Channing Tatum, Marlon Wayans, Sienna Miller, Ray Park, Dennis Quaid, Karolína Kurková, Arnold Vosloo...

Ivor: Alright, just stop.

Me: This chase scene through Paris is distracting.  They keep driving past Pont Alexandre III.

Ivor: The what? What language are you speaking?

Me: The Alexander Bridge, build in honor of Tsar Alexander III of Russia?  Although most of these buildings look like Prague, which most studios film in because it's cheaper and there are tax breaks.  I think I recognize that building from Old Town.

Ivor: You know too much. I hide in fear at night, thinking the FBI or CIA or CSI will bust into our house and capture you.

Me: Oh...badass. I'm now putting those suits on my Christmas list.

Ivor: I'm putting Sienna Miller on mine.

Me: I think mine will more likely come to fruition.

Ivor: They're going to detonate a warhead, huh?

Me: Yes, and they'll target the Eiffel Tower, which will collapse.

Ivor: I hate you.

Me: Some call it a curse, others a gift.

Ivor: Of course...the bad guy's base is under the ARCTIC ICE CAP!  Genius!  No one will find us here.

Me: It's remote enough.

Ivor: I knew this movie would be lame.

Me: I like the explosions and warfare.

Ivor: Imitating Heavy Weight- KEEP IT TIGHT! I like it TIGHT! Fire that TIGHT.

Me: I think he likes things tight. Perhaps they used up the budget on special effects and actors, couldn't pay for the script.

Ivor: It's becoming very cheesy. Cliche, even. Do that thing where you predict what they are going to say next.

Me: 'I'm gonna get you out of here. That's my girl!'

Me: I need a tortilla to cut through all this cheese.

Ivor: It's getting ridiculous.

Me: GI Joe: In Queso Emergency?

Ivor: Tell me what happens next.  I'm done watching this movie.

Me: Well, The Doctor is probably The Baroness' brother, who survived the explosion and learned all about nanotechnology.  He brainwashed his sister so now Channing Tatum can save her and be the hero.  The black ninja is going to kill the white ninja because the white ninja killed their master, Marlon Wayons will destroy both warheads with the help of Scarlett, and the President will be replaced with Zartan in the underground bunker.  Duke and Ripcord will be asked to join GI Joe after the final battle, and they'll be shown preparing for another threat.  The Doctor will become Cobra Commander and James McCullen will be Destro, they will be captured and locked away but not killed because that sets it up for a sequel.

Ivor: Damn. I'm never watching another movie EVER.

1 comment:

  1. Sweet! Saved me from seeing the movie! And, I pretty sure this is FAR more entertaining.