09 September 2010

Ugly Swan

The fable of the ugly duckling is fairly well known.  I believe it starts something like a duckling hatches and he's butt fugly, with all his siblings poking fun at his less desirable looks, then grows up to be the most beautiful swan, yadda etc, until someone shoots him and dresses him as Christmas dinner.  At least, that's how it formulated in my head.

I'm pretty sure I'm the Benjamin Button of the ugly duckling story.  That is to say, I was a pretty cute kid.  Then puberty hit (everyone goes through that awkward phase) and I never quite recovered.  Random people scold me, oh you're fine, it's all in your head, you're just as sexy.  I think these people did not have to wake up in the Swift Family Universe of radiant smiles and perfect faces.

Granted, my parents are gorgeous themselves.  It follows that their offspring should be attractive.  And for the most part, the super-genes did their prescribed duty and produced seven Spanish-Italian Stepford descendents.  Some inherited the light eyes or the tow-hair of our Lombardy ancestors from northern Italy.  Others were blessed with the olive Mediterranean tint reminiscent of our Moorish influences.

The two who started it all, Raymundo and Belladonna.  Don't they look great for thirty years of marriage?

I however, ended up with the square Eskimo face, stocky Spanish body, and swarthy Italian hair.  Plus the Japanese love of indoor flip-flops and rice.

Notice the swollen cheeks, squinty eyes and unruly hair follicles.

Here is Joelyanna and Isabella, my two older sisters.  They have modeled print ads for many designers, and Versace designed those dresses himself.  I have never met Versace.  Versace would look at me as either the boy who brings him his self-tanning lotion or a piece of gum he accidentally stepped in.

My oldest brother, Titus.  Blue-green eyes with dark hair.  The bastard can charm the pants off of any lady.

Titus is also the Bruce Banner of our family.  Can benchpress your house.

Victoria is Rillian's mother.  Absolutely stunning.  Words fail to describe her infectious laugh and scathing demeanour.  I believe she is three months pregnant in this photo.  Pregnant women, despair.

Aragon also inherited blue-green eyes like Titus.  His dark hair does a perfect curl when it's longer, not the crazy wave mine does.  He also locked down his beautiful wife, Beatrix, fairly quickly.  I think they will procreate a new superhuman race.

Mariachristina has liquid black eyes and straight Japanese hair, and tans within ten minutes of sunlight exposure.  She was super popular in high school, winning Homecoming Courts and State Track meets alike.  Men and women are constantly performing double-takes when she passes by.

Jacobus was the surprise and baby of the family.  His light brown hair and crooked smile already drive girls wild at school.  I field constant phone calls to the house line for him.  Way to boost my ego, taking phone calls for a brother fourteen years my junior.

I could say that I am the smart one, that I have read more books than the seven combined, that I have set foot in more countries than they have, but what does it matter?  I'm the one pushed to the back of photography pictures, the one forgotten at the house in the flurry of packing and leaving à la Home Alone style, always a groomsman but never a groom.  I've gotten used to the "you're Isabella / Joelyanna / Titus / Victoria / Aragon / Mariachristina / Jacobus' brother?....really?  Are you sure?"

Maybe something happened wrong the night of my conception.  Perhaps there was a gamma ray that accidentally phased through the egg that was to become Orion and altered it a little bit.  Or maybe the stars were in the wrong alignment during my birth.  Could have been that the doctor switched me with another child out there, who is now living his life not part of the gorgeous Swift family.

You know, Kenny De Ketele was born on the SAME DAY as me.  He is good-looking, this might be the mix-up.  He really is Orion Swift and I'm supposed to be with his Belgian family.  In Belgium.  I'm a pauper!

In the words of my mother, "...at least you're somewhat intelligent."

PS:  Here is my nephew Brodyn, thank heavens he has the Swift Genes.  Maybe their is hope for my children.  Probably not, but one can dream.


  1. I'm saying this because I love you. "there is hope for my children". Also, there is a lot of hope for your children because I'm pretty enough for the both of us.

    You can be glad your mother is honest with you, if she lied to you and said you were pretty your whole life you'd just think you needed glasses... and then you'd be even uglier than you already are.

    I mean, umm... girls don't make passes at boys who wear glasses, so since you don't wear them you're gold? Oh, I'm not helping.

  2. I feel your pain. My sister was Miss North Carolina. It sucks.

  3. You have one good looking family! And I don't think you would have to be pushed to the back of the family photos. I mean, I'd tap that. If I weren't engaged, I mean.

  4. Perhaps if you had a sultry pic like Titus you'd feel better! All you have to do is open your squinty eyes up real wide, lay on the floor, and look really serious into the camera. Babe magnet, guaranteed!!!

  5. I think you're hawt.

    Just saying.

  6. why are you so hard on yoursellllff?

    you're nephews cute!

  7. I think you're pretty darn hot.

    But, I do feel your pain. My step-brother is gorgeous. He wasn't the best looking when we were younger, but when he hit high school, he became the shit.

    My younger sister is gorgeous as well. She inherited the strong German features from our birth mother, and is a spitting image of her.

    Me? I got the disproportioned body, round face and terrible hair.

    I suppose my only real redeeming quality is that I did get the blonde hair and blue eyes in the fam.

  8. I can't offer any tales of ugly duckling woe because I've been extremely good looking all my life, but I only vomited a little in my mouth when I looked at your picture. Does that help? :)

  9. @Denise: I'm glad as well, it's like that person who walks around with toilet paper stuck to their shoe and no one tells them.

    @Geo: So you know how I feel. Glad we are ugly brothers.

    @Sara: Thank you, threesome?

    @Bi: That would work until people met me in person, then the illusion would be broken.

    @Harley: Thank you poppit. Holla!

    @Miss Innocent: The tone of most of the post is sarcastic, but people constantly ask me if I'm sure I'm related to everyone else.

    @Tabs: It really burns, doesn't it? Probably why we have blogs. To vent about it.

    @Batman: That is the best compliment I've received in a long time. I think I will frame it.

  10. Oh that's brutal, "at least you're somewhat intelligent". Well if it helps, I have unruly hair follicles too and I feel your pain. I've since learned to tame it, but when I was younger I had that combined with being a late bloomer with various orthodontic appliances and glasses. Thank you ancestors, for having bad teeth, sight, and hair. Oh and skin that only burns.

  11. Dude. My brother is hot, smart, can do maths without having to count on fingers, charming, really funny, and of course; happily settled.

    I feel your pain. I'm, "Ritwik's little sister.... really?" too. Not in a good way.