08 September 2010

A Heartbeat at My Feet

I was so exhausted from the past few days that I slept for eleven hours last night.  Haven't done that since uni.  (Or maybe last month, dontjudgeme.)  Both my mother and nephew have been released from the hospital, so there have been many visitors to entertain and meals to cook.  I needed some time to myself to zone out with all the influx of stimuli, so I decided to pick up the dog waste and mow the dog lawn.

Yes, the dogs that live here have their own fenced-in area.  It's approximately 50 feet by 150 feet, adjacent to the backyard and near the chicken coop.  It can take anywhere from thirty minutes (quick cut) to two hours (not cut for six weeks) to mow.  As I was prepping the dog yard, I realized how cool a dog's life must be:

1. Humans pick up after you.
Whether it's your own excrement or that bloody tampon you've chewed up, you can't pick it up.  Dew claws for the win!  Sure, you may get yelled at, but you've probably torn something up because your owner pissed you off anyway.

2. You run around naked.
Your fur usually comes in a summer and winter coat, therefore no need to ever change!  Also, there are those annoying knit sweaters for colder climates if you're short haired.  If you're really unlucky, your owner likes to dress you up, but that is usually temporary.

3. Humping objects is usually acceptable.
Whether it be legs, tables, blankets, toys, other dogs, or air; this trait is usually hilarious.  There are almost 4,000 videos on a Google search.  Some humans might discourage this, but that's probably because they are prudes.  Plus, you can knock up that hottie dog down the street and not even have to pay child support.

4. People usually find you attractive.
Puppies seem to be the best object for exploding hearts everywhere into little tiny pieces.  Every human loves dogs.  If they don't, they're probably one of those 'cat people.'  Even the ugly dogs aren't left out!  The Animal Planet has a specific contest for this trait.

5. There is no discrimination.
Every notice how we dogs usually get along with each other despite breeds?  The human race could take a few notes.  Unless your owner has not socialized you with other dogs or beats you, you probably love and are curious about other animals.

6. You can relieve yourself pretty much anywhere.
In public, the backyard, absorbent pads, people's shirts, trees, the chair legs, carpet, tile, linoleum; it's all fair game.  Depends on how well you've been trained and whether or not someone catches you.

7. You are always happy to see your owner.
Wow!  They came back!  I thought they never would!  I haven't seen you since this morning!  And the ruse is sure appreciated by humans, those lovable fools.

8. Dogs can go everywhere.
Airline fees are usually only 150 USD, grocery stores are acceptable places for puppies.  Soldiers keep dogs they find as pets in the Middle East.  Those humans even make purses for dogs these days!

9. You can sleep half the day.
And no one gets on to you!  Every hour is a good hour for naptime.  Also, those running dreams are pretty entertaining for all.

10. Always have a job! 
Being the family pet is a full time appointment.  Making sure your owners are happy is all the pay you need.  Plus there are awesome dog occupations like service dogs, rescue dogs, security dogs, or mascot dogs.

Reasons why the dogs I live with are more spoiled: they don't eat regular dog kibble.  One has to heat water in a cup for a minute, mix a scoop of Cesar's Canine Cuisine to a cup of Purina Puppy Food with the water.  That is a lot of work for a meal twice a day.  I tried fooling them by adding a dollop of chicken broth and nixing the hot water and wet food, but no dice.  They licked around the dry kibble and sat there with a disgusted look on their collective faces, stomachs growling.

Yes, that's correct.  I could hear them being hungry with food sitting right in front of them

They also are groomed professionally once a month.  Twice a month, if my mother has anything to say about it.  Also, a loveseat in the great room is covered with blankets, because it's the dogs' couch.  At least they have been trained to not sit on the couch without covering.

Yes you three, you're probably more spoiled than I am.  And I'm so indulged my parents know my bank account number by heart.  Lucky dogs.


  1. I feel like getting ready to mow my mom's lawn *wink* has inspired me similarity in the past. THIS POST WAS GREAT IN ALL CAPS, but I couldn't help but think, what if your humans suck? (and not in the get in my bag, wear coat sort of way.) What then...Bite them and run?
    Otherwise, great points. I wish I could speed around naked, rip shit up and then piss wherever I want--right before I hump so dude's leg and force him to throw me a ball. A dog's life does sound pretty good!
    But in all honesty, if I get reincarnated I want to come back to this earth as something on a dim sum desert cart

  2. I loved this.

    And your dogs are incredibly fucking spoiled. They sound like my mom's dogs. She has FOUR and she loves every single one of them more than she loves me.

  3. My favorite mall is smack dab in the middle of rich Jew-land and is a trap for rich tourists. They have a little stand where you can rent out dog strollers, but most people bring their own.

    I was never allowed to have dogs, so I don't understand the love. But an Orion hug would be lovely.


  4. If I like cats and dogs does that make me unlovable? Am I one of those people that can't make a decision therefore is forever stuck in the paradox that is a cat person and a dog person? I love my little nugget of a dog. Everything he does from ripping up my slippers to smothering me in my sleep because he just can't get close enough... but I also love cats. Not my cat, or rather the one that lives at my house, but cats are my babies too. They are crazy mother fuckers who can attack you from across the room and you didn't even know you were doing anything that deserved the pounce. How funny are all those youtube videos of cats doing crazy thing? HILARIOUS! That’s how!

  5. My sister's puppy is currently like our family pet, and she is spoiled rotten as well.

    It's impossible not to spoil her though; she's so flippin cute and looks like an Ewok.

  6. @Erin: I thought about that too, but most dog owners I know are good dog owners. The bad ones are caught and go to jail.

    @Sara: Thanks. Funny how people treat pets like children.

    @Lor: I have never heard of one of those, that is crazy! What will they think of next?
    -Orion hug-

    @Denise: I meant the 'cat people' thing as from my dogs' point of view. As long as you love animals, you're good in my book.

    @Ambi: Aw, sounds cute! They say my mom's Yorkie also looks like an Ewok.